possibly my "aha" moment

i know it's been awhile. i've been too busy (that's my excuse) to create. a few more weeks and i will be done with school, this time :) i can't believe it's almost over.

a lot has happened! so many self discoveries, new understandings, revival of some old habits, new emotions, new attitudes...a true sense of faith & peace...even moments of pure happiness, uncontrollable smiling, lots of real laughter, ultimate gratitude, & true joys of little things in life! i've also experienced some recent heartache along the way. as painful as the heartache is, it is well appreciated as i know it was meant to be. i strongly believe all things happen for a reason!

i can say that i have learned to love. it's been a challenge & a difficult struggle but i think i can finally say that i love myself :) i finally accept myself...the woman i am, the one i've been created to be. it may sound corny, cliche, whatever the synonym but i have learned a lot about myself in the last few months. i'm still in the process of learning. i'm still in a few "situations" that are not over yet. i have also been working hard on making sure the people i love know how much they mean to me...another struggle of mine, but i'm working on it.

i realized that following & listening to my heart has never done me wrong. my mind gets in the way with all of it's expectations, criticisms, & assumptions!!! my mind is what keeps me from my art & creativity. my mind is what keeps me from enjoying life! so sad but true! maybe this is my "aha" moment??? this is where my life changes forever!

what am i doing?

i mourn the loss of another month gone by so quickly. fall is almost here. i love the fall. fall has always been my favorite season. i am very fortunate to live in an area that still experiences all four seasons. i signed up for 14 credit hours this semester so that i can graduate with my bachelor's degree in december! i am still working full time too. thankfully my job allows me to work 30 hours and still be in a full time status. my girls will have to learn to fend for themselves, oh the horror!!! *sarcasm* he he he *evil laugh*

i do know what i'm doing. i will get this degree, spend the next year working on a portfolio and then apply to go to grad school in san francisco to earn a master's in fine arts. a dream come true! that's my new plan.

i've always dreamed of moving to san francisco. so maybe my opportunity will be here soon. the hubby decided to leave, again, this time i've made up my mind not to even think of taking him back. maybe i'm running away mentally by keeping my schedule so full i don't have time to think of anything else. (i am a major analyzer by the way). so anyway, my girls will be moving on to college in 2 and 4 years...so it will just be baxter and me! i can start the program online and once the girls have moved on, i can get to the west coast. i haven't decided if i will drive the distance and make it an awesome journey or if i will take a few months and live in paris, france and leave there speaking french fluently (another dream to come true). maybe i will do both. finances will be an issue but i'll worry about that minor detail later.

i feel a lot of optimism about the changes i am going through and will continue to go through. i'm not scared. it's what's meant to be, right? i prayed and prayed for changes. i didn't get exactly what i hoped for but i was definetly forced to change! this past year has been a very interesting year. i think i've even developed that back bone i've been missing all my life!!! it's a small one but i think it is still growing.

no more talking about what i want...now it's time to get what i want. to do what i need. hopefully i will be able to come up for air every once in a while and say hello. send me prayers and good luck wishes. :)

i think i forgot how to paint

this is the photo reference for my painting of baxter. poor baxter. i made him look so sad. i did the drawing outline on the canvas in a ultramarine blue and that blue got into everything! what was i thinking? it was so frustrating! and, i probably should have started with something easier, monochromatic maybe. trying to put value in black and white is difficult. i should have taken the actual black and white colors off of my palette. i only worked on it for an hour. i am quite proud of the progress i was making. i guess the more i work on it, the better it gets. i'm learning along the way. i am afraid that if i work on it too much, the colors will turn into mud. now i need to figure out how to make baxter not look so sad. i also need to figure out how to make that shadow on the side not look like it's some kind of attachment to his neck. we'll see what happens.

i started reading a book today about creativity and the message i got so far was how it's all about the process and not the finished product and memories were coming back to me. i procrastinated but i picked up the charcoal and the canvas and once i started i couldn't stop. i ended up using so many brushes because that stoopid blue kept getting into every color i used! i will never do that again! i'm just really happy i actually did something! this is how i would like everyday to be. if only i could stay motivated. me and my bad habits... procrastination and excuse making!!! oh and all the "should of's" i'm repeating tonight! i hate that word...should of or should have. geez!

Well, it's a little after 1am, i guess i'll go read some more of that book. i hear thunder outside too, it's going to be a great night! i love a good thunderstorm! it makes me feel at peace.

favorite art:

some of my favorite artists in random order:

1. andy warhol
2. john singer sargent
3. wayne thiebaud
4. edward hopper
5. frida kahlo
6. vincent van gogh
7. frank lloyd wright
8. mark rothko
9. gregory colbert
10. kathe kollwitz
11. banksy
12. ray richardson

just thinking about their art and their lives inspires me. last week i visited the chrysler museum in norfolk and saturday i took a road trip to d.c. where i did a quick tour of the national portrait gallery and american art museum. (i really went to d.c. to eat at ping pong dim sum) i do miss studying art. it's been a while since i've looked through or read any of the many art books i own. i think i will take a look now, i just might draw something :)

butterflies!

finally made it to a butterfly garden! it was beautiful. i wish there were more butterflies flying around my head, at least that's the expectation i had in my mind...to see hundreds of butterflies flying around like bubbles in the air. it was good tho. another accomplishment to mark off my list. it was so hot too. i didn't know i could sweat so much!

eating with chopsticks...

is not easy! i'm a little embarrassed about it because i am half asian! i grew up with a korean mother who only eats with chopsticks!!! anyway, about a month ago i went to a sushi spot and had lunch. i was alone & figured i'd entertain myself by attempting to eat with chopsticks & i tried it left handed. i am right handed. i giggled through my lunch but when i finished i realized i did pretty good. so tuesday i went to richmond to pick up my oldest daughter & we ate at one of my favorite spots "noodles & co." i ate with my left hand but they have these neat little plastic "helper" pieces that you put on the top of your chopsticks. they are meant for kids but who cares. i needed help!
so simple things make me happy. you may think this is all so silly but i feel like i've accomplished something :) i went to another sushi spot for dinner tonight with the hubby. i tried to use the chopsticks with my right hand & it just didn't feel right. i still need a lot of practice. i'm mad he uses chopsticks like he's an asian! he was showing off when i commented on how good he was with them so i called him mr. miyagi and told him "why don't you go catch a fly with those things". corny i know. i try to be funny :)
i own a dozen or so pairs of chopsticks. i plan to practice more. i want to be able to eat everything with chopsticks!

the end of june

i can't believe it's here already! i feel like screaming "wait a minute...i'm not done yet!".

yesterday's lunch

another bento! i tried to make it an italian themed meal. tortellini with roasted red pepper on toothpicks; caprese salad made of mini mozzarella flowers, sweet cherry tomatoes & basil from my new basil plant outside in my flowerbed; i rolled up slices of pepperoni and salami and cut them into bite size pieces. there's marinara sauce in the little bear container and i added some sesame bread sticks, too. this hello kitty box is my first bento box, a good friend ordered it for me and surprised me with it :) i really enjoy making these bento boxes & i don't know if i've already mentioned this but i think i enjoy it more when i make it for someone else and give it away for the person to enjoy. is that strange?

so june is almost over already. on another post i made a list of goals for the month of june...well, i still have a little time left. i hardly ever got out of bed at 7am. i started reading a new book. i didn't exactly create something daily. and when i tried to take the girls somewhere, they had other plans. oh, and i think i gained 5 pounds instead of losing it. (he he) but, i no longer care to focus on what i didn't do, i will focus on what i accomplished this month. so, i read somewhere that if things on your "to do" list keep staying on that list or back on a new list then maybe they were never very important to get done in the first place. so i need to check my priorities. i keep thinking about art. i keep dreaming about the work i want to do. i go into my studio & turn back around. is it fear? i'm trying to figure it out. ralph marston posted "get yourself interested" on his daily motivator website yesterday. just the first statement says "the way to get good is to get interested. the way to get great is to get downright fascinated & passionate". once i start i can't and don't want to stop, getting started is my problem. too much unnecessary nonsense on my mind. this month has really been an emotional roller coaster.

what in the world?

this has been a week of "what in the worlds". the hubby decided he wanted to come home after a 3 week separation (what in the world?). actually, it was a modified separation. he didn't go far & he still came over to cut the grass, etc. people are really strange sometimes. i know i'm strange, always have been & always will be! at least i know it & not in denial about it! :P

for as long as i can remember, i've never wanted to be like anyone else. i don't want to wear the same clothes everyone else is wearing. i don't want to be "in style". i'm motivated to prove people wrong. with my first child, i was told i ruined my life. when i got married there was gossip that it wouldn't last. when i went to nursing school, i was laughed at, people thought i was too timid, that i couldn't handle it, that i was too stuck up, etc. well...(what in the world?) i was determined to prove all of them wrong. i finished high school & graduated college. out of my LPN class, most of my classmates were working in doctor's offices. the ones who worked in the hospital only did it for a very short period of time. those are the ones who expected i would end up in an office & not be a "real" nurse. i ended up becoming a critical care nurse & was determined to prove that i could handle anything! so with the marriage, i really don't want to join the statistical divorce rates, etc. (what in the world?)

so why can't i apply that motivation to my art? who told me artists can't make a decent living? who told me i wasn't good enough? who told me i didn't have what it takes to make it in the art world? well...maybe that's the problem. no one ever told me those things. i think i told them to myself. again, i'm motivated to prove other people wrong. what in the world? i am definitely my worst critic!

these days have gone by so quickly. i had every intention to paint something small, like an apple. i even bought some small canvases. i haven't even done a bento box lately. i worked a 5 day stretch, had yesterday off but yesterday, what in the world. what happened to yesterday? i am off tomorrow. yes! i plan to make the most out of my day. i did get a new desk, i put it in my studio. i cleaned my studio up a bit to make room for it. i think my studio is my favorite room in the house. it was originally the dining room. now it's my room! i took that room about 3 or 4 years ago. don't you think it's time i put it to use? hopefully i'll spend some time in there tomorrow & have a beautiful creation to share with everyone. i wanted to do this blog to make myself have some accountability & get me motivated to do something creative on a daily basis. maybe i should be making promises. maybe i should promise to paint a picture to share on june 9th with my readers...whoever you are :)

photos in the hall...finally!

it really feels good to accomplish something that was on my list of things to do, especially when it's been on that list for a very long time! i almost gave up too. some of the frames were cheapie ones & were difficult to get them flat to the wall. AND what a terrible idea for someone who is borderline OCD!!! it is going to drive me crazy keeping them straight. it's already bothering me that one frame is down too low & another is up a little too high! it's ok. i'm just really happy i got it done! i downsized it to only 15 frames but i still only have 8 pictures, just need 7 more.

so i got to engage in the creative process today (technically yesterday since it's after midnight now). i laid all the frames out on the floor first and decided what went where. i had to figure out exactly where to put the nails. i really did almost give up. i'm really glad i didn't. that's one thing i know, if i keep working at something it usually turns out pretty good. i'm always disappointed in myself when i do quit or give up on a project because i know i can do better.
ok...so what's next? what else have i procrastinated doing over the years? maybe i'll paint something. i've been wanting to do a portrait of baxter for a long time.

what a long day

i love it when i have a long day. got up early & went to the mall. i had a reservation at chick-fil-a to try their new spicy chicken sammich which was pretty good by the way. the manager took a picture with us because we were his first spicy chicken customers! he he. somehow i got talked into taking the girls to the beach. i don't mind going to the beach. it's not my favorite but the girls love it! i did get to read the first chapter of a book i just started. i know, i know...i'm suppose to be finishing the book i started a while back but i was invited to join a book club & i accepted. the book is called "if i am missing or dead" by janine latus. seems to be interesting so far.

so nothing creative today. i realized that it's been 8 years since i came up with this idea to put photos on my hallway wall! you think it's time i do it before i change my mind? 8 years is such a long time! time really goes by fast :( anyway, i got some new frames today too & arranged them on the floor to see how they would look on my wall. well silly me...i need photos for my frames!!!!! geez! i have about 20 frames and only about 9 pictures. so i have all my photo disks out and i'm about to spend the rest of my night going through them.

still trying to think of something i did today that was creative but i didn't even cook a great meal. we ate at my mom's house for dinner. i have all these things in my mind that i want to do...all these ideas, things to draw or paint, things to do, books to read, places to go and see. it really feels good to actually do these things & cross them off in my book as being done! i always have a list of things to do.

it was fun driving around with the top down today even tho it was over 90 degrees!!! i do look forward to more days like today this summer.

busy sunday

so a new month is about to begin.
i decided to make some simple goals for june:
***wake up every morning by 7am
***create something, anything, at least once a day
***lose 5 pounds; do something active for at least 30 min a day
***finish reading "eat, pray, love" (i started it so many months ago i probably need to start all over!)
***take the girls somewhere once a week...
-virginia aquarium
-chrysler museum
-virginia living museum
-norfolk zoo
-botanical gardens
the zoo and gardens are both in norfolk and we can visit them in one day. they each have a butterfly garden area that i'm really interested in seeing. i have an area in my backyard that i want to turn into my own butterfly garden.

speaking of gardens, it was in the 90s outside and today of all days i'm in the mood to work in my flowerbeds. I wish i took a "before" picture of the section i worked on. it was loaded with weeds and grass. most of the plants and that juniper tree i planted there last year were looking awful. i dug, i shoveled, i pulled everything out by hand. my soon to be ex happened to come by (not use to referring to him that way yet). i got him to dig up the juniper and plant the new petunias i bought today.

so here's my creative creation for the day!
i need to get some mulch and plan to put a small tree in the middle, probably a japanese maple. it's amazing how much of a difference mulch can make. my creation looks pretty dry but i'm really proud of all my hard work!

i actually had 2 creations today...the 2nd being the yummy dinner i made! i did one of those seafood pots. i cheated & got my crab legs seasoned & steamed at farm fresh. but in my pot, i had shrimp, red potatoes, onion, bulb of garlic, lemon, can of beer, shrimp/crab boil seasoning, turkey smoked sausage, & yummy yummy fresh sweet corn on the cob!

well, i have the holiday off tomorrow. i do plan to place a photo collection on my hallway wall, something i've been wanting to do for a very long time. maybe that will be my creative creation for the day :)

bento again!

all american

-fried chicken wings
-deviled eggs: i put them in those egg molds, a bunny & a bear, i'm not sure if i did it right, the directions are written in japanese! I sliced them in half to put the filling inside
-cucumber flowers with tomatoes and onion (marinated overnight in vinegar, sugar, olive oil, salt & pepper)
-heart shaped corn bread
-sliced corn on the cob...do you know how hard it is to cut a piece of corn cob? is there an easier way?
-oh, and i filled one of those mini sauce containers with sriracha sauce


i made 2 of these to take with me to work. they really are a lot of fun to make & i really enjoy sharing them!

new habit #1

start & end my day off right...create a daily routine

morning:
1. wake up at the same time everyday!
2. drink a glass of water
3. perform some healthy stretches
4. meditate and/or Bible study for 15 minutes
5. go over my list of "things to do today"
6. shower/get dressed
7. actually make & eat breakfast

evening:
1. write in my gratitude journal
2. plan tomorrow
3. some sort of facial routine
4. read (book of the month) and/or study (french or photography)
at least 30 minutes or until i get sleepy

i love to sleep in...i have a bad habit of hitting the snooze button remember? but i end up feeling most days that i wasted too much time. i think now, since the hubby moved out, that i am sleeping better. i don't have to deal with his snoring! isn't that a blessing? i do, however, still have to deal with baxter's :)

i've read a lot about starting the day with a glass of water. i usually have a glass at my bedside every night and finish it off when i wake up so this shouldn't be too hard to accomplish.

i need to research on the best stretches to do in the morning. maybe i'll work this one up to actually doing real exercises!

i don't know how to meditate. my mind is always running & i can't seem to clear it enough for meditation. i do want to study the Bible more, in particular, joyce meyer has talked of "fruits of the spirit" and "love" so i'm interested in those areas. or instead of meditating i could actually do some sketching...a form of meditation could be accessing the right side of my brain, right?

i'm still working on the evening routine. let's see how i do in all this. so far this week i've been waking up about 7am. maybe that can be my wake up time, but if i have to work an open shift, i usually leave by 7:20 so that won't work on those days. i'll figure something out. i'm afraid if i wake up too early, i'll be back in bed after lunch!

random things about me...

* i am the mother of 3 beautiful girls
* i started motherhood at the age of 14
* i am the mother of a wonderful boston terrier i call baxter
* i've been a nurse for 18 years (6 as an LPN & 12 as an RN)
* i want to be an artist when i grow up
* i love to cook (and eat)
* i'm back in school working on a bachelor's degree in nursing
* i have 2 associate's degrees (nursing & social sciences)
* i hate going to the gym
* i could probably eat pizza & french fries with a pepsi everyday
* i have a sweet tooth!
* i can't dance
* i can't sing & won't if i know someone is listening or watching me
* i wish i could sing and dance
* i enjoy naps on my hammock
* i hate liars (this should be #1)
* i have a thing for pens, i can't seem to get enough of them
* i've always loved garfield
* i enjoy watching cartoons (George & Martha is one of my favorites)
* i have sensitive teeth to cold (i have to microwave my salads & fruit)
* i love watching "murder, she wrote"
* i can't tell a joke and have a hard time telling stories
* i love to laugh
* i love, love, love, love, love surprises!!!!!

cultivating new habits

it was too easy to think of all my bad habits the other day. i tried to come up with a list of all my good habits...not so easy. the only thing i could think of was:
1. i always say "please" & "thank you" (it just comes naturally to me)
2. i never go hungry
3. i usually give 100% or more whenever i do anything
4. i keep my body clean
5. i don't smoke
6. i avoid clutter & don't hoard stuff

well that's it. i'm still thinking of bad habits i could add to the other list.

i was thinking that a part of my transformation would require managing my time better. one thing i realized, i let my life revolve around my work schedule. not a good thing when i have such a haphazard schedule. open one day, work a mid shift the next, then close the next. or i might close one night, turn around and have to open the next morning. i might be scheduled to work 7 hours one shift, 10 hours, or even 12 hours! i can't even count on my weekends because i might work 3 saturdays a month, every other weekend, a sunday here or there. it's just chaos! when i close, i don't know what time i will get home. yeah, i know...blah blah blah. at least i have a job and a good paying one at that. i do work hard and i earn every penny!

so now i'm in the process of evaluating my time & i'm thinking of how i can do some things differently. i keep complaining that time is moving so fast. well, i need to make the most out of every minute of my day.

i'm going to come up with some new habits. let's see how i do!

breakfast!

i would prefer to skip breakfast on most days. i have to really be in the mood for it. i guess i was in the mood for it yesterday when i decided to make a breakfast bento. i found some turkey lil smokies and used some of the new bento accessories i have. there's mini french toast and syrup in the little bear container. i made that japanese omelet, tamagoyaki, for the first time, it was kinda difficult. i used spinach in the middle. i definetly need more practice. i found a cute little square non stick frying pan, it's actually advertised to make grilled cheese but thought it would work as a tamagoyaki pan. i would like all of my bentos to have a fruit and a veggie component so i added cherries since that's what i had in my fridge.
i really enjoy this new hobby of mine :)

list of angela's bad habits

1. procrastination
2. trying to make sense out of nonsense
3. insomnia
4. hitting the snooze button
5. forgetfulness
6. biting my inner bottom lip
7. picking zits & scabs on my face
8. using the words (& thinking) "would of", "could of", or "should of"
9. complaining
10. saying "yes" or "ok"
11. taking too much for granted
12. working too hard and not playing hard
13. not cooking what i plan initially, letting groceries go to waste
14. eating when bored
15. having to eat popcorn at the movie theatre no matter what
16. biting a broken fingernail
17. not finishing everything i start
18. wanting to say or do something at a given moment but don't

i'm sure i have more ;-)

changes

be careful what you pray for, you just might get what you want, right?
i've been asking for a change for a very long time.
i am angry. i am sad. i feel betrayed & abandoned. i feel used & abused.
18 years & this is what i get.
i just have to realize that i am in a situation where i didn't have a choice. the choice was made for me. but i can choose to make the most of it. i can choose to make the best of it. i can choose to stay positive.
this is certainly a change, it's not what i wanted but it's what i got. now what?
back to the drawing board.....

baxter

my playful baxter
so much energy to burn
dog for me to love

i haven't sketched anything in a long time. i was having trouble. but as i worked through it, my vision started to change. i started seeing basic shapes and suddenly it was starting to come together. i didn't have time to finish. i was using charcoal on newsprint.

at work today i thought of a haiku poem about my baxter. unfortunately i was in the bathroom. when i thought to write it down, i completely forgot it! it was awful. i should have wrote it on toilet paper or something! so i tried to make up a new one and that is what i came up with.

happy mother's day everyone!

so complicated!

yesterday i made this bento box & it was so difficult. i had a hard time figuring out how to fit everything in.
and who's bright idea was it to try and make my own california rolls anyway? and who knew having one of those bamboo rolling mats would've helped? and who knew that cutting them with a very sharp knife would be necessary? this was definitely a great way to test the sharpness of the knives i have! the friend i made it for really enjoyed it anyway. so my friend is my guinea pig...i made the 1st one for her too. i think that is one of the reasons i really enjoy making these...the "wows" "oohs" and "ahhs" i get. feeling that sense of pride. i always enjoy cooking for other people. i actually love doing things for other people as long as i don't know that i'm being used and taken for granted.




so then i got home from work last night & was surprised to find my order had been delivered! i felt like it was my birthday! lookout girlfriend, you're about to get a bento full of cuteness...hope all that cuteness doesn't make you too nauseated :)

my first bento!

i had so much fun making this neat little creation. i worked with what i had in my kitchen & i enjoyed every minute of it!

i made some korean jap chae, cucumber kimchi, something i call spinach kimchi, and made one of those rice balls (onigiri) for the 1st time.

i found a mini heart shape cookie cutter & cut out the cucumbers. i used the spinach to fill the onigiri. the spinach is blanched, then marinated with sesame oil, garlic, green onions, salt, & sesame seeds. i added a few sliced strawberries & oranges. i just added the broccoli and mini carrots to fill in the corners. (i always thought broccoli was spelled "brocholi"! i'm learning new things already by doing this blog!)

i got the recipe for this spinach and the jap chae from a neat cookbook called "quick & easy korean cooking" by cecilia hae-jin lee.

i need to work on my photography skills. i wish you could see how brilliant the colors were. i look forward to making more (and eating more)!

this is the beginning

"just do it". that's what i always say but i'm guilty for not following my own advice. so now this is it. here the journey begins....no more excuses & no more procrastinating. i've been interested in art for as long as i can remember. i love most things that have anything to do with the creative process. everything i do that taps into the right side of my brain makes me so happy, the kind of happy i just can't get doing anything else.

i want to be an artist when i grow up!

what am i afraid of?
why is there a hesitation to do something that makes me feel good?
what am i waiting for?

are there other artists out there that feel the same way?
is there anyone out there that took that leap of faith and just did it despite fears and obstacles?
where are you? i'd like to hear your stories.