could have, should have, would have...i hate those words

could, would, should, ought, etc. unfortunately, those words have been part of my vocabulary all of my life. i could probably make a list of over 100 things i wish i'd done differently; taken advantage of an opportunity, said the right thing at the right time, bought that thing that i really wanted (or not), spent more time with someone (or not) or kept in touch with someone else. i could go on. it's an endless list!

but i have vowed to stop saying those words...could of, should of, would of. i dream of a better me, someone who is in the moment, taking life one day at a time, actually, one minute at a time. i am learning that everything was and is the way it is. period.

i realized about a year ago that i was just on auto pilot. i was living in a great neighborhood in a region i'd spent most of life. i was making a lot of money with a very flexible but random work schedule. i had paid off all of my debt, except for that student loan. i had a trusted mechanic for my old car. i had many conveniences in life. i was comfortable. too comfortable. i had bigger dreams 5 years ago and i just let myself forget about them. so i thought that if i took myself out of that comfort zone then i would have no choice but to make some changes. i think i mentioned this before, i didn't go that far, only about 100 miles, so it was just a baby step.
   
another realization was discovered about myself just last week. i am gullible for compliments, attention, and love even tho i think i know i do not need anyone's approval or acceptance. i started doing simple doodles on a board at work, t.g.i.f. cartoons and such which led to conversations about my "talent" and some wanted to see my art work. so i updated a little brag book i used to have and showed it off to them. the compliments were awesome and i felt a sense of pride in my ability. (i am working on calling myself an artist instead of always saying "i want to be an artist when i grow up")

i started a journey in 2007 to become a working artist.  2003! it was 2003!!!  i must have had some sort of mental block when i originally wrote this...not wanting to believe or admit it has been over a decade now!  i quit my job as a nurse and cleaned houses for money. but it didn't last, 1 1/2 years into it, i was called from a former co worker to help them out. i was flattered, so much so that i could not say no. that led into another nursing position where i eventually put art on the back burner again. it didn't help that i was in an unhealthy marriage. i used to feel guilty that i could not use that dysfunction and express the pain & misery into my art like i thought "real" artists do. another guilt i deal with is the fact that i am a nurse, a really good nurse. i always felt it was some kind of divine selection and how dare i not use my ability to care for the ill & injured and help promote the wellness? but why can't i realize my artistic ability that way? why don't i say to myself "how dare you not use that god given talent?". in 2007, 2003, i was really enjoying life. i was surrounded with other artists, drawing and painting daily. in 2010, as i was working towards another plan to become that artist i wanted to be, i was just as happy despite the major life events that were happening. but history repeats itself, in 2011 i was wanted and needed at work. the complements were awesome and the little artist in me disappeared again.

i had another opportunity when i moved. i was unemployed for 4 months. in those months, instead of focusing completely on changing my career, i chose to make this 95 year old house a more pleasant place to live. cleaning, painting, repairing, caulking, spackling, etc. just busy work. it didn't take long to run out of money so i resorted to another nursing position. i have a great job. there is very little stress. yes, no stress at work, that was something i have never been able to say as a nurse. the pay is not so great but there are many benefits. i keep telling myself that the lack of stress is priceless! and don't get me wrong. i am very grateful for my career, i just feel like something is missing.

so here i am. analyzing & making excuses. rationalizing. whatever you want to call it. what's done is done and all i have is right now. showing off my past has reminded me of my potential. i have a lot of practice to do and really, i know what it is i need to do. i just need to do it! it's just like trying to control your blood sugar or improve your cholesterol levels, you know it's good for you. you know you need to stop eating junk food and increase your activity, so just start now. right? i just want to stop feeling like something is missing. why must i always feel unsatisfied?

so here's the plan to start:
     * start my gratitude lists again
     * connect with other people, particularly other artists
     * limit tv watching
     * limit internet browsing
     * stop hitting the snooze button in the morning!
     * schedule regular times each week to do the things i really enjoy doing
     * make lifestyle changes to promote better health

tried to paint a portrait, i like the underpainting....

but then i added color & now i can't figure out how to do it :(

blah blah blah. i know i have said it before. i know i made these plans before. but i am motivated this time. i have already shown great improvement in the last few months. i found a church that i enjoy going to and i make sure i wake up and go to the 9am service every sunday (i'm not perfect. i have missed a few) i've even taken classes there and volunteered my time to help out. i have also taken my desire to learn korean to another level, i meet with a tutor every sunday afternoon which has been something i enjoy and look forward to every week! i have also spent at least once a week in my studio creating something. i tried to paint that portrait (sorry jadea), made many greeting cards, and just cleared out clutter. this has been a really cold winter and we had 2 somewhat major snowfalls, i had a lot of fun making snow sculptures both times :) i even decided to write this blog post today. i do enjoy writing like this, it helps me clear my thoughts. i don't know if anyone is reading this but if you are, thank you very much

some of the cards i've made using scrapbook paper

my first time using a snow shovel & i got a little carried away

i'm studying art history, was thinking about the sphinx