what am i doing?

i mourn the loss of another month gone by so quickly. fall is almost here. i love the fall. fall has always been my favorite season. i am very fortunate to live in an area that still experiences all four seasons. i signed up for 14 credit hours this semester so that i can graduate with my bachelor's degree in december! i am still working full time too. thankfully my job allows me to work 30 hours and still be in a full time status. my girls will have to learn to fend for themselves, oh the horror!!! *sarcasm* he he he *evil laugh*

i do know what i'm doing. i will get this degree, spend the next year working on a portfolio and then apply to go to grad school in san francisco to earn a master's in fine arts. a dream come true! that's my new plan.

i've always dreamed of moving to san francisco. so maybe my opportunity will be here soon. the hubby decided to leave, again, this time i've made up my mind not to even think of taking him back. maybe i'm running away mentally by keeping my schedule so full i don't have time to think of anything else. (i am a major analyzer by the way). so anyway, my girls will be moving on to college in 2 and 4 years...so it will just be baxter and me! i can start the program online and once the girls have moved on, i can get to the west coast. i haven't decided if i will drive the distance and make it an awesome journey or if i will take a few months and live in paris, france and leave there speaking french fluently (another dream to come true). maybe i will do both. finances will be an issue but i'll worry about that minor detail later.

i feel a lot of optimism about the changes i am going through and will continue to go through. i'm not scared. it's what's meant to be, right? i prayed and prayed for changes. i didn't get exactly what i hoped for but i was definetly forced to change! this past year has been a very interesting year. i think i've even developed that back bone i've been missing all my life!!! it's a small one but i think it is still growing.

no more talking about what i want...now it's time to get what i want. to do what i need. hopefully i will be able to come up for air every once in a while and say hello. send me prayers and good luck wishes. :)

i think i forgot how to paint

this is the photo reference for my painting of baxter. poor baxter. i made him look so sad. i did the drawing outline on the canvas in a ultramarine blue and that blue got into everything! what was i thinking? it was so frustrating! and, i probably should have started with something easier, monochromatic maybe. trying to put value in black and white is difficult. i should have taken the actual black and white colors off of my palette. i only worked on it for an hour. i am quite proud of the progress i was making. i guess the more i work on it, the better it gets. i'm learning along the way. i am afraid that if i work on it too much, the colors will turn into mud. now i need to figure out how to make baxter not look so sad. i also need to figure out how to make that shadow on the side not look like it's some kind of attachment to his neck. we'll see what happens.

i started reading a book today about creativity and the message i got so far was how it's all about the process and not the finished product and memories were coming back to me. i procrastinated but i picked up the charcoal and the canvas and once i started i couldn't stop. i ended up using so many brushes because that stoopid blue kept getting into every color i used! i will never do that again! i'm just really happy i actually did something! this is how i would like everyday to be. if only i could stay motivated. me and my bad habits... procrastination and excuse making!!! oh and all the "should of's" i'm repeating tonight! i hate that word...should of or should have. geez!

Well, it's a little after 1am, i guess i'll go read some more of that book. i hear thunder outside too, it's going to be a great night! i love a good thunderstorm! it makes me feel at peace.