Saturday, June 16, 2012

self analysis

i'd been thinking a lot lately. probably not a good thing. it's funny how the mind works sometimes. initially i was all excited about my future, coming up with ideas and new dreams. then i found myself in a "funk". wondering what i have a passion for. wondering what my niche would be. wondering, wondering, wondering. i started thinking that "real" artists have a passion for something. they have a purpose, a story to tell, a point to make, some political or religious awareness to convey, a reaction to some current event or tragedy.  all of which i don't have. i realized i was comparing myself to other artists, to some "ideal" artist, that image of what a real artist is suppose to be, you know?

well, i'm glad i stopped that nonsense. i reminded myself that i am an artist. i may not be where i want to be but what am i doing about it? maybe that's what started all this thinking. guilt. the guilt i feel when i don't draw or paint when i want to. i always stop myself & i don't understand it. always making excuses. i guess it's like someone wanting to run a marathon but never even ran a mile. how will i ever get myself prepared for that "marathon" if i don't even take a walk everyday?

i had a goal to do at least one drawing a day. but another analysis of myself, i never seem to finish a drawing completely. when i was taking that drawing class last semester i did learn this about myself & realized that i don't put enough time into it. tonight i decided to do some nude poses with graphite on paper. i ended up sketching again. i only did 2 of them with intentions of "completing" them. adding all the values and shadows, actually making a composition out of it but i didn't feel like it. i didn't know where to go with it. i probably only spent 15 min on the 2 & that's including the search for the images. i had to tell  myself that it's ok. i'm happy i picked up that pencil and worked in my studio! i think if i just draw something, anything, anytime, anywhere, it may spark something and i will discover that i want to draw more of it, whatever "it" is. i won't ever discover what "it" is if i don't start somewhere, right?

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